either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize