woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
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yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
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You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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