Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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