Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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