I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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