His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
