member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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