So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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