her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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