The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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