I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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