My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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