Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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