Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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