I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
