I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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