i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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