how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
