I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
