What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
