Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
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I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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