Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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