I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize