I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
