like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
