WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
