meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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