The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
