I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
