Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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