we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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