Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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