you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
pop tarts are not kleenex
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
