if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
