dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
