why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
