I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
