I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
