Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
