I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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