Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
