dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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