I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
