Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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