Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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