I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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