yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
