he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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