i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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