Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
