Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
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Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
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I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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