We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
