My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
