Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Pants are for mortals
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
