She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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