i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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